A thought entered my head today that hasn't left me. It was this. “Lesley, you are finally a grown up!!”
I don't know why I suddenly thought that. I am an adult, I'm nearly 40. Of course I'm a grown up. But the more I thought about it, I realized why the thought entered my head. I'm scared about being forty. It's abit of a big deal for me for the fact that my Mum died when she was in her forties. Forty to me represents facing the fact that I'm no longer what you can be classed as young. It's nearly middle aged. But I still feel like I'm in my early twenties when I had no real responsibilities. As I was driving home I thought of what a grown up represented to me when I was 20. It was someone who was married, had a mortgage, a job, children, who cooked and did housework and managed a household, someone who drove, who shopped for groceries, someone who paid the bills. Being adult to me was Mum and Dad.
And as I drove home, I thought to myself I am my parents I have or do all of the above (apart from children- but my cats are my children so I count them). I've been a grown up for so long but I've still felt like I'm a child. Becoming forty feels like I'm only now acknowledging I'm a grown up and I'm getting older after all.
But maybe I'm being just silly, 40 is just a number after all. I don't think I look bad for my age, and I'm lucky to have what I have in life. I just need to stop worrying and embrace my 40's, and hope that I achieve as much as I did as when I was in my 30's, and I've still eight months before the big 40 anyway.
Good evening from Pickle Land
Hope to speak to you very soon
Love Lesley xx